Refusing to Drown

For the last few weeks my depression has been up and down. Yeah, I said it, depression. I have it and it truly sucks.

For the last month my doctor has increased my meds, in fact it’s coming up to 6 weeks now and I feel no difference.

The last week or so I’ve been a bundle of emotions, and the stress hasn’t helped either. Stress from all angles.

I feel like I’m trying to hold on to about 12 wriggling kittens. I have to keep picking them up and bringing them back. No sooner have I retrieved one, another as escaped. 12 different events, emotions, feelings.

Everything is bubbling to the surface and I’m trying to keep it from flowing over, clawing back, trying to hold it all in a container that just isn’t big enough.

There are days where I want to scream. There are days when I want to lash out and really have a good punching session with a heavy bag.
There are days where everything is funny and amusing.
There are days where I feel constantly sad and emotional and everything makes me want to cry.
There are days where I feel numb.
Days. And days. And days.

Some people have the luxury of having regular therapy sessions. I don’t have that luxury, and to be fair there are very few people that I feel comfortable enough to talk to about my emotions and issues.

In fact only recently have I really opened up to my Doctor. Hence the med changes.

I need to pull it together. I need to stop being sad. I want to stop being sad. I have to stop being sad.

The sadness is drowning me. I don’t want to drown.

Depression isn’t going to win. I refuse to let it.

Ink part 2

Exactly 4 months ago, I got my very first tattoo.

My birthday is in exactly 31 days and I always said that I was going to get my second tattoo for my birthday. (people, money for my birthday please!)

I have several ideas for tattoos and I’ve really got to get a move on to decide which one I want to have done next.

I want the rune Thurisaz on the back of my neck.

I want a pentacle on my left inner wrist.

I want a small bird behind my right ear.

I want 3 stars on the outside of my right wrist, going down towards my forearm.

I want. I want. I want.

I’ve less than 31 days to make a decision.

Ideally I’d go back to Magnum Opus, but it is nearly 65 miles away. It’s a long way to go for a tattoo, even though Bob Done, who did my tattoo is an amazing Tattooist.

So right now I have decisions to make. Where, What, Where and When.

Data, Data, Data

I recently upgraded my phone contract. It was due for renewal, and as much as I loathed changing contract, I really did need a new phone.

I had an iPhone 3G for 2 years, with O2. 600 inclusive minutes, unlimited text messaging and unlimited data. I upgraded that phone to a 3GS, same contract. It was a good contract.

It may come as no surprise to many people that I use my phone a LOT.

I use it for emails, for phone calls, for text messaging, for taking photos, for Facebook, for twitter, for games and well, this list can be endless.

So when my phone was up for renewal, I looked around. I wanted the latest iPhone, but the deal wasn’t that great. I got more minutes and still unlimited text messaging, but they stopped doing “unlimited data”. Instead you get 500MB of data per billing month, with free unlimited wifi. No way in hells bells is that enough for me.

Looking around nothing else was any cheaper or any better elsewhere, so I decided to bit the bullet and stay where I was (less hassle) and just upgrade. Now I get 900 inclusive minutes, unlimited text messaging and 1GB of data as well as unlimited wifi. I pay a few pounds more than I did, but it was the better deal. It was even better that I sweet talked the sales guy into waiving the charge of the handset. Go Me!

This data malarkey confuses me. Being a girl who never had to worry about data, I just did my thing and, well, didn’t worry.
Now I have to worry AND limit my usage (which my husband will only say is a “GOOD THING”). So with this in mind my brother-in-law (well not really, but kinda) introduced me to an app called Onavo. Apparently Onavo is an excellent app for reducing data usage on your iPhone. So I got it. I now constantly check my data usage to make sure I’m not using too much.

I checked it today and this is what I got;

~ iPhone – 221.80 Mb

~ Onavo – 263.69 Mb

~ O2 – 323.07 Mb

How can I have 3 different sets of data usage for the EXACT same period?

Either the iPhone software that Apple have put on my phone is really buggy and doesn’t work OR the Onavo app isn’t reading my usage correctly OR O2 is scamming its customers.

I’m confused interwebs.

Help?

Winner

When I was 11 I went through a phase of winning things. At 11 when you win things it’s a great feeling, although, when you win anything at any age it’s a great feeling.

I used to listen to the radio a LOT when I was younger. I was also constantly attached to the phone at that age. One day when doing both things simultaneously, the radio DJ announced a competition. If you could recognise a song by just the first four notes then you could win a Christmas gift basket full of chocolates, cakes, coffees etc. I immediately said to my friend “I have to go, I’m going to enter that competition”

The song was jingle bells. How the other person couldn’t get it was beyond me! And I won. I screamed and jumped about the house. Told my parents who were pleased I’d won but angry at the fact if called the show so many times that i’d probably racked up a huge phone bill.

Then it was Valentines Day. My friend asked me to go to a Valentines Teen party (there would be cute boys!) so I agreed and my aunts friend did my hair and make up. I wore a white trouser suit cause I didn’t “do” dresses. I must admit I looked pretty good, especially when the cute boys noticed me. So much that I was voted the Valentines Queen!

Then it was just after my 12th birthday, when the radio show held another composition. This time a weekend trip to Havana Cuba. I can’t remember what we had to do, but I won. I was ecstatic until my dad pointed out that I was 12 and wouldn’t be going on my own with my 12 year old best friend to Cuba….

He called the radio show and told them my age. However they couldn’t take my prize away as they’d not stipulated an age limit on the competition. So as long as I had a chaperone over 18 then I could go.

So I went to Cuba. Stayed in a 5 star hotel (Where Leo DiCaprio stayed too) and had a great time!

Then I didn’t win anything else. For the last 15 years I have won only 1 other thing, and that was a giraffe cookbook.

I wish my winning streak would pick up. I’m thinking I’ll buy a lottery ticket this week. You never know, I could win!

Being a Donor

I used to give blood. Sadly I can’t anymore, simply because my veins refuse to give up their precious cargo. I can’t manage to fill up a pint bag of blood, hell I can barely provide a few phials of blood when I go to the doctors. Only 4% of the UKs population donate blood, yet everyday more and more people need transfusions to save their lives.

When I was advised not to continue donating blood, I was given the option to donate bone marrow, a much more painful and invasive process than blood donation, but equally important. I am a marrow donor. I’ve yet to give up my marrow to help someone else, and I may never be called, but one day I might. One day I may get the chance to save someone elses life.

When I was 18 I decided I wanted to be an organ donor, so I registered. The only thing I’m not donating when I die is my lungs. I have so much trouble with them when I’m ill, that I can’t possibly pass them on to someone else. But everything else is being given away.

To me donation is so important, and when I saw an advert for the Anthony Nolan Trust, I didn’t hesitate.  I filled in the form to become a donor and submitted it online via their website.

A few days later I got a small package in the post, containing a form to fill in and a nifty little plastic container and instructions of how to provide my saliva sample.  Once that was completed it was sent off. A few weeks later I received confirmation that they were happy to accept me as a donor and I got my donor card.

The Anthony Nolan Trust helps people with blood cancers. You can donate marrow or stem cells to help someone with cancer.

I may be a very small part of the population, but I am doing everything I can to donate what I have to help save others.

What are you doing?

want some ice with your fall?

After my accident, it’s time to go back to work.

I don’t want to. Well that’s not exactly true. I do want to go back to work, because I like my job and I have a lot to do, but I don’t want to go outside.

Last Thursday, it was cold, but it wasn’t icy, or snowy or slippery, and yet I fell and really hurt myself.

On Saturday night we got snow, which soon turned to mush, as people walked through it going about their everyday lives (whilst I stayed indoors for fear of falling again and hurting my already injured knees). Since then the snow has turned to mush, which thanks to freezing temperatures has turned to ice.

I’m panicking about falling again.

I feel sick at the idea of going out of the house, falling and nobody stopping to help.

I guess I just have to take it one step at a time, and hope that this time I leave the house, I don’t actually break any bones.

And the winner is….

Congratulations Rhiannon!! Email me your postal address and I’ll send your prize out straight away!!

Faith in Humanity

This morning I had an accident. Ironically I was on my way to a doctors appointment. Instead of going to the doctors, I ended up in an ambulance on gas and air and then in hospital.
Anyone would think it was Monday after today’s events.

Note to all, don’t bother rushing for a bus or train or anything really, it just isn’t worth the pain or panic.

This morning whilst rushing for the bus, I fell. I’m not sure if I lost my footing or I tripped, or exactly what happened to be honest, but I ended up on the floor, half into the road, unable to feel my legs.
I remember looking up and seeing a group of people at the bus stop. The bus pulled up and they all just got on, leaving me laying there. It was freezing out. -2C. I remember seeing headlights approach me and then disappear.
I tried to get up and I couldn’t. I started to panic. I’d hit my head and couldn’t feel my legs. I’m not even sure how I managed to get my phone out of my pocket and call the emergency services.
I remember crying.
I remember suddenly feeling pain in my knees.
I remember my hand, trapped under me pressed into the frozen ground, half numb, half hurting.
Finally someone stopped to help, 7 or 8 minutes after I’d fallen.

I remember being on the phone to a woman at the emergency services, trying to tell her where I was. Confused, cold and in pain. She was sending an ambulance.
I then called my husband. He spoke to the woman who’d stopped to help me.
I didn’t even see her face. Only thing I can recall was her black fleece with HM Prison Service stitched in with white thread. The other thing I remember was a mans work boots.

Someone covered me with a blanket and put something between my face and the floor.

I vaguely remember another woman’s voice saying she’d knocked on a few doors asking if they had a blanket she could borrow. They said they didn’t have anything like that. She called them wankers. I think I might have laughed.

I spent nearly 50 minutes on the floor before the ambulance arrived and got me on to a stretcher and into something warm. During that time I was starting to panic. Trying to control my breathing so that I didn’t have an asthma attack.
I was so cold.
My blood pressure was a lot lower than it should of been. The paramedic said from the shock of the fall and the cold.

My husband met me at the hospital as I was stretchered in and out straight into a cubicle. I had vitals taken, pain relief and saw a doctor within 20 minutes. Within 30 minutes I was taken for X-rays, which thankfully showed that there wet no breaks. I’m now on crutches. It’s hard to use them.

I can’t sleep, even though the drugs I’ve been given make me incredibly drowsy. I’m laying here, in pain, my knees on fire, my neck sore, wondering why I laid in the road and people ignored me. Cars drove past me. At least 5 people were at that bus stop and no one stopped to see if I was ok.

My husband said perhaps people in the cars didn’t see me because they were concentrating on the road. I’m not a driver so I can’t really comment on it I guess. But I should point out that my back pack is part grey part yellow with a few florescent stripes on it. It’s designed to be reflective. I’m not exactly small, how could you miss something like that?

If I saw someone fall and not get back up then I wouldn’t just walk away. I couldn’t.

It makes me incredibly sad that people saw it happen and just walked away.

I do however feel so incredibly grateful for the 3 people who did stop their cars to help me this morning. And to the London Ambulance service who helped me and gave me immediate pain relief and didn’t cut my trousers off me.

I feel grateful to the few people who read my Twitter and Facebook feed who took the time to send me a message asking if I was ok and wishing me to feel better soon.

I feel incredibly sad about the people who I thought cared about me and that I mattered to haven’t bothered to see if I’m ok.

I often wonder why I spend so much of my time and feelings and energy caring for people, and being there for others, when they don’t in fact return the sentiment. Of course, I’m not saying I do it because I expect something in return. I do it because I truly care. It hurts that the people I thought cared, seem not to.

Right now I hurt, in more ways then one.

Wordless Wednesday – Imbolc

Caribbean Giveaway

As much as I would love to give away a Caribbean holiday to one of my readers, I can’t. Mainly because I can’t afford to do it! However Mr Branson, if you’re reading and would like to donate a Virgin Caribbean holiday for 2 as a competition giveaway on MrsFlams, then I won’t say no and I encourage you to get in touch!

So instead of a luxury holiday for 2 to a Caribbean paradise, I’m giving away a Caribbean Food Made Easy cook book by Levi Roots.

 

 

Whilst I can’t bring you to the Caribbean, I can bring the Caribbean to you, with this cook book filled with mouth-watering recipes.

I moved to London in 1996, but I am a born and bred Caymanian. I was born in George Town, Grand Cayman, where I grew up playing on the beach, eating amazing Caribbean food and had a spectacular tan and an accent that was a mishmash of British, American and West Indian. Even today when you hear me talk to family in Cayman, the accent slips back in.

There is nothing that I love more than chilling in a hammock at Rum Point (google it) whilst sipping on a Rum Punch and nomming on delicious island food. Sadly I don’t get to do it all that often. Hey, if I can’t afford to send 2 readers to the Caribbean, I most certainly can’t afford to send myself.

In order to win a copy of this book all you need to do is tell me what your favourite Caribbean dish is, (if you haven’t eaten any Caribbean food, then you can tell me what you’d really like to try) by commenting on this post.

The competition is open until the 5th of February 2012 and is not restricted.

Anyone, Anywhere can enter. So get commenting.

The winner will be picked at random on the 5th and contacted for their delivery details.

Good Luck!